12:44am, the same day

So this is what they call growing pains. It’s a constant struggle to remind myself of the vital distinction between want and need. I want to change but I don’t want to experience the inevitable pain involved in that transformation. I want so badly to love, but have difficulty doing so when I so badly want to hate. I need to love. Time to return to the fundamentals and block out all the petty distractions that break us apart in the first place.

I walked back from Rachel’s room after watching another episode of the Sopranos. I walked out somewhat defeated, having acknowledged the problem and subsequently cowering at its face. In my mind I confront everything head on in high tension, yet in reality I seem to only retreat. It is a world of seclusion, a world of utmost loneliness, and it welcomes defeat.

But every night I truly marvel at the stars. Tonight I saw a cluster of dim lights around a collection of bright stars, and imagined that I had chanced upon another star system. The sky is smooth and clear at night, the clouds mere decorations on the margins. The stars here are bright fireflies. The coconut tree is taller at night. I want the night to be my blanket, a veil to shelter me. But I’ve been bitten by mosquitoes in a malaria infested area. But it’s hot and I’m sweating. But there are ants and worms on the ground that I walk upon. But moths are eating my clothes. Yet I want so desperately to be immersed in this environment, to be an opportunist, to not let such a moment of chance slip by unused. I will be leaving Tanzania is less than a month, and I think I’m excited. I think I’m looking forward to leaving, or maybe more so just to enter a new place. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I haven’t done a good enough job of making the most out of my time here. I’m afraid that things will all end too quickly. I’m afraid that I’ll have regrets. I’m afraid that I’m simply not skilled in this area, whatever that may be. I’m afraid that I’m not entirely willing to accept the reality of the situation, or to admit anything affirmatively to others in public.

I miss being able to talk to people about things.  


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